Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
