you would pick up someone in the library
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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