If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
