You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
