i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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