I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
