um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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