Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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