My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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