the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
