I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
