mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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