ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
