I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
