I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
