On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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