Your face is a jimmy john
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
