she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
