im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Pants are for mortals
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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