Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you never un-have a 4some
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
