Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
