If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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