I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
