He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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