remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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