"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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