Apparently you make a good broom.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
