well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
tell your sister to shave her snatch
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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