I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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