Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize