just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
