I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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