see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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