You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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