my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
