i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
