oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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