I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
