i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize