i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
