that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
