That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
