Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
