I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
