ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
