We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
