Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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