I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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