We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize