All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
