Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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