i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I could fuck to npr.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
