She's JV to your varsity
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
