the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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