I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
